To Be Australian

You know you're Australian if ...

1. You know the meaning of 'girt'
2. You know that stubbies can either be worn or drunk
3. You think that it is normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin
4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse
5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose, rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden
6. When you hear that an American 'roots for his team', you wonder how often and with whom
7. You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds
8. You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'
9. You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'
10. You believe that the 'L' in the word 'Australia' is optional
11. You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas'
12. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep
13. You call your best friend 'a total bastard', but someone you really, really despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'
14. You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfect reasonable name for a place
15. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin
16. You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga', but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'
17. You believe that cooked-down axelgrease makes a good breakfast spread
18. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up .. at which point they again become Kiwis
19. You know, whatever all the tourist books say, no one ever says 'cobber'
20. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of The Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'
21. You believe, as an act of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year
22. You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'u'
23. You wear ugg boots outside the house
24. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name, the more you like them
25. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language
26. You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always polite
27. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose
28. You understand that 'you' has a plural, and that it's 'youse'
29. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle
30. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket
31. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'
32. You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'
33. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit
34. You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered
35. You understand that all train and doctor timetables are works of fiction
36. When working at a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer
37. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem, and then have trouble remembering the second
38. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants